[Fun_4_Amdavadi_Gujarati] The Onion: Your Horoscope (nutty!)

Your Horoscope

Your Birthday Today

You wouldn't have taught the cockatoo half those phrases had you known he'd someday testify against you.

Aries March 21 - April 19

Doctors will diagnose you with a new strain of tuberculosis this week, or "Poor Unsuspecting Bastard's Disease" as it'll come to be known.

 Taurus April 20 - May 20

The stars warn of physical danger for Taurus in the coming days, which considering the shape you're in, probably means bending over to pick up a sock.

 Gemini May 21 - June 21

You've never been a very detail-oriented person. Still, you're pretty sure those antlers weren't there last week.

 Cancer June 22 - July 22

While the bible in your breast pocket will stop the first bullet, the Penthouse in front of your face will let the next dozen or so straight through.

 Leo July 23 - August 22

Your method of smuggling drugs across the border might seem more risqué were the drugs not perfectly legal, available over the counter, and produced in suppository form.

 Virgo August 23 - September 22

Ants are known for being hard-working and diligent, but you'll still be surprised when 5,000 of them drag you out of bed on a Sunday.

 Libra September 23 - October 23

Disaster will strike when you least expect it this week. Unfortunately, it'll also strike when you most expect it this week.

 Scorpio October 24 - November 21

Cries of pleasure and ecstasy will fill your bedroom this Thursday, forcing you to bang on your ceiling with the end of a broomstick.

 Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

They say you're only as old as you feel, which helps explain why you passed away four years ago.

 Capricorn December 22 - January 19

You'll finally enter the record books this Thursday, though unfortunately for you, they're the ones used to keep track of inventory costs and showroom sales.

 Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Your indecisive nature is both a blessing and a curse, or at least that's the only conclusion you've so far been able to reach.

 Pisces February 19 - March 20

Yes, you'll get the girl in the end, but by that time, she'll be twice divorced, have lost much of her figure, and be buried at a nearby cemetery.

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