Your Horoscope
Aries March 21 - April 19Doctors will diagnose you with a new strain of tuberculosis this week, or "Poor Unsuspecting Bastard's Disease" as it'll come to be known.
Taurus April 20 - May 20The stars warn of physical danger for Taurus in the coming days, which considering the shape you're in, probably means bending over to pick up a sock.
Gemini May 21 - June 21You've never been a very detail-oriented person. Still, you're pretty sure those antlers weren't there last week.
Cancer June 22 - July 22While the bible in your breast pocket will stop the first bullet, the Penthouse in front of your face will let the next dozen or so straight through.
Leo July 23 - August 22Your method of smuggling drugs across the border might seem more risqué were the drugs not perfectly legal, available over the counter, and produced in suppository form.
Virgo August 23 - September 22Ants are known for being hard-working and diligent, but you'll still be surprised when 5,000 of them drag you out of bed on a Sunday.
Libra September 23 - October 23 Disaster will strike when you least expect it this week. Unfortunately, it'll also strike when you most expect it this week.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21Cries of pleasure and ecstasy will fill your bedroom this Thursday, forcing you to bang on your ceiling with the end of a broomstick.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21They say you're only as old as you feel, which helps explain why you passed away four years ago.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19You'll finally enter the record books this Thursday, though unfortunately for you, they're the ones used to keep track of inventory costs and showroom sales.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18Your indecisive nature is both a blessing and a curse, or at least that's the only conclusion you've so far been able to reach.
Pisces February 19 - March 20Yes, you'll get the girl in the end, but by that time, she'll be twice divorced, have lost much of her figure, and be buried at a nearby cemetery.
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