'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. 'The problem with the designated driver program, it's 'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.' 'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'' 'A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.' --Conan O'Brien 'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner.' 'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.' 'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.' 'My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.' 'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?' 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. 'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a 'You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'' 'Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.'
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'
--Drew Carey
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house.'
--Jeff Foxworthy
--Dave Barry
--Paula Poundstone
--Lynda Montgomery
Let's go west.''
--Richard Jeni
--Johnny Carson
--Paul Rodriguez
--Jerry Seinfeld
--Warren Hutcherson
Monogamy is the same.'
--Oscar Wilde
member of Congress. But I repeat myself.'
--Mark Twain
--Dave Barry
- W. C. Fields
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